Dominance or Submission

Ha. I know this sounds like it will be a crazy topic. But, like all my other stories, the universe doesn’t disappoint and I was guided to this answer.

A little background info: I was in a LTR (close to two decades) and broke up with him 3 years ago. Since then I have been learning more about myself in this dating world. I was not having any luck and until this year, I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to do the inner work and heal. Because chile…. when I was dating, I constantly was putting all my eggs into one basket. When I love, I loved hard and I’d often become attached to these boys.

Recently, I was staying with a friend and I took notice of the daily interaction she had with her boyfriend. I noticed how the opposite of me she was. She said once that she didn’t need a man and she would be comfortable by herself if it came down to it. She was in her relationship, from my persective, dominating and unapologetic towards her partner. Yet, here was this person who seems to absolutely love her. I must preface that there is nothing wrong with that. People choose to live their way/path and its up them to decide what they want in their life or not.

So a thought came to me. Maybe I need to be like her. More dominating, more independent, fuck the love story…. what benefit can this relationship have, for me? Because I was too submissive, willing, caring… I don’t know, but the way that i was doing things was not working for me anymore. As a person who was mentally abused for so long, I will not allow that any longer in my life. So, being dominating seemed to be the solution.

I spoke this to a friend out loud and jokingly said I think in my next relationship, I will dominate it. Because its either be abused or dominate. Yes, thats how I was thinking at the time.

BUT this is where the gemini in me comes out. Talking it out, out loud, in my own voice helps me figure out what feels right to me. I may think these same thoughts, but if I don’t speak it out loud, my original conclusion (be dominating) can stay the same.

I spoke this to my friend and I realize I was thinking in terms of the two extremes. Be submissive or be dominating. There can be a middle ground instead. I can have a relationship that i can love them the way I want to but not allow it to encompass my whole life that I need to switch gears and not let them walk all over me. I need to decide what that middle ground looks like and speak up if I need to. For the good of the relationship, and harm to none.

As i came to that realization, I looked at my phone and saw 11:11.